Discovering Betrayal – Discovering a New You!

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Rae Z

Its getting really close to a year since I discovered my husband’s affair.   That dreadful, awful day that will be forever sketched into my mind.  I can recall that day as if it were yesterday.  I remember how sick I felt the weeks before it.  My body giving way to that screaming feeling inside of me.  I remember setting up the cameras, feeling guilty, and hoping even then, that I was not going to record anything significant.  It was so hard.  So difficult to wait and pretend and go on with life as if all were its usual.  So incredibly tough to be a mother, go to school events and watch my husband walk in the door, knowing that he too, was pretending.  Pretending to be a devoted husband. Pretending he wasn’t a fucking cheat.  And the day I watched the videos, the vomiting, the sadness, the pain inside of me.  It was the day the person and the wife I was died on the spot.

I had so many decisions to make.  I had so many different feelings and emotions.  I wanted to break everything in sight.  I wanted to explode.  Somehow, I found the power inside of me to stay in control.  I really feel like the unconditional love I have for my children helped me find this inner strength.  I knew that eventhough I was betrayed, I could not betray them.  Unlike my husband, I could not, would not, make this about just me.  I had to put my pride aside and that in itself has been one of the most difficult tasks in my life.  Its taken a long time and still a work in progress but I feel proud of myself and how I have been able to handle my situation.

This could have been a much different story.  If my husband had continued his relationship with another woman, if my husband would not have shown any efforts in repairing the relationship he and I have, if my husband would have continued to lie, there would have been no choice but to move on and negatively impact the lives of our children.  I cannot deny him credit for his part in the outcome.

Today, I’ve decided to make this coming day, this dooms day, this day of discovering my husband’s betrayal, a day to celebrate me.  Sort of like a birthday.  The day a new, more aware, stronger Rae was born.  Instead of grieving what is gone forever, I want to celebrate the new life I’ve made for myself.  A day where I say goodbye to the victim I used to be.

To all of you who walk in my shoes, I say this:  No matter what, you did not deserve to be lied to!  You did not cause your spouses affair!  They created it.  There is NO EXCUSE. It will take time but take that time and make yourself your number one priority!  Think long and hard about how you can make yourself better, about how you can trust yourself and your inner instincts again, and about how you can bring yourself some genuine happiness.  Its okay to work on your marriage if that is what you decide to do.  Its okay to forgive and forget if thats what you want to do.  Just make that second to yourself and your needs.  (And of course, second to your primary obligations, i.e. children).  I remember reading once that the best way to get back at a wayward spouse is to better yourself.  Its true.  Don’t allow the mainstream to tell you its selfish.  Its not.  Infidelity is selfish.  There is no guilt in self improvement.  It will only make you a better person, a better mother, a better friend, and last but not least, a better wife. 

So my D-Day will be a celebration!

No guilt. No regrets.  My husband could have those all to himself.

Cheers!  Rae

 

 

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Trust

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Rae Z

Trust.  So easy to lose.  So hard to earn. 

Quote of the day:

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. – George MacDonald

 

 

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Betrayal: The Best Advice I Ever Got

Posted on April 22, 2012 by Rae Z

Back in January I took a trip to a very fancy hotel and spa.  I did it to get away from my day to day struggle with infidelity.  On my second night there, (after an amazing day at the spa) I met a 60 something year old lady named Beth.  She was on vacation from New York and sat next to me at the bar. We struck up a fun conversation and eventually, I shared with her why I was there. She wore an empathetic smile and listened to my story intently. It was no surprise to find out she too had at one time been the victim of a deceitful husband.  We had great dialogue and she offered me some very good advice. The next day, during my long ride back home, I thought a lot about what she said to me. There was one particular advice that totally stuck in my head.  In my mind, I kept hearing her say this: “Honey, if you decide to stay, fine. Just don’t let the jerk get away without consequences and be ready to walk if you have to.”

That piece of advice right there opened up an entirely new existence for me.  I went from insecure, to secure, from being treated like a doormat to being treated like a valuable, respected and appreciated wife and mother.

Infidelity is not just “a mistake”.  It is a choice.  It is a selfish, immoral, unhealthy choice that, like most damaging choices, should have consequences. Our parents raise us to know this and we ourselves teach it to our children. It should be no different for a cheating spouse. Cheaters ought to pay for the damage they cause and you, as a betrayed spouse, deserve restitution.  By this I don’t mean that you pound your spouse daily with fights and request for apologies.  Apologies at this point are worthless. I’m talking reimbursement in other forms. Compensation that is peaceful, unaggressive and meaningful.  Monetary is one such form. For example, I make myself a monthly payment from our shared account to a “just me” account. Since my husband took his affair partner to our home during his affair, I estimated what her rent would have been for using my home (and my husband) and every month I write myself a rent check.  This is not a secret to my husband either. He realizes it is a consequence of his actions.  Like me, like you, he still has a choice.  He can accept or he can choose to not accept.  Either way, the message is clear: there will be a consequence.

I could go on with other examples but the bottom line is I believe you demand compensation by putting value on yourself. After adultery, your gift of staying in the marriage and having to deal with the aftermath of their choices completely warrants it.  Don’t listen to people (friends, counselors, therapists) who tell you that it is wrong to require this because it makes it seem as if you are “better” than your spouse or that it is necessary to feel “equal” to your spouse. It is simply not true and just an attempt to place (partial) guilt and responsibility for the affair on the betrayed spouse. It was the cheating spouse who actually thought “better” of themselves and above you by having an affair in the first place. Your spouse cheated you enough, don’t cheat yourself. There is danger in complacency. Don’t forget, and don’t let your spouse forget, that for every action, there is a reaction.

Even if you are trying to make it work, it is equally as important to take the time to think about the future and your life “without” your spouse. Having a strategy is imperative. It is a way of taking ownership of your situation and taking charge of your own life. A healthy life requires self-reliability and honesty.  Let the message to your spouse and to yourself be loud and clear:  It takes a lot of guts to say no and to have standards and values and stick to them.  To say no when saying yes seems more gratifying and to walk away, when staying feels safer.

I am grateful for my encounter with this stranger named Beth.  I have been empowered by her advice and I feel obligated to pass it on.  Don’t be too quick to forgive your cheating spouse. You deserve more than an apology. Compensation for your pain will not change the past, but holding your spouse accountable for the pain they caused you definitely helps make a better present.

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Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights – I Love It, I Live It!

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Rae Z

I found this on the internet and thought it was great information to share.    Love it, love it, love it!  It feels so damn good to know I have excercised ever single one of these!  

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights

In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This is you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep. This is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.

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Dealing With Betrayal – A Constant Battle

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Rae Z

Its been some time since I’ve posted on my blog.  I have to admit, I have purposely stayed away.

My husband has been working over time to prove his complete dedication to our marriage and I was afraid that writing in my blog would just stir up all those nasty memories that are for the moment, encased in the dark, dungeon-like part of my mind.  The nasty memories are incarcerated in my mental jail.  They are where I’d like them to stay forever.

Every now and then, I have an escapee.  The alarm goes off inside of me and before I know it, the memory painfully slaps me in the face before I can beat it into retrieving.  It/They (the painful memories, my monsters) eventually go back to the cage, but not without a fight and not without leaving yet another welt on my face, my heart and my soul.  It is that hurtful and sneaky slap that reminds me of the wrong that has been done to me.

This entire “betrayal” experience has been so horrible. If you, like me, have been betrayed by your spouse, you know exactly what I mean.  Getting over spousal betrayal is a very difficult process. No, an extremely difficult process.  I find myself waiting for all of the pain and doubt to go away, but it doesn’t.  It is still there.  My pain is under arrest. My pain is under tight security. But still there.

I do everything I can to keep my monster thoughts and torturing pain away.

I work hard to distract myself.

I try hard to forget (although I don’t think I ever will)  and I’ve decided to leave the forgiving to God.

With or without my husband, the one who injured me and made this bad memory jail a reality, I will overcome.

Despite my prisoner’s attempts to escape and destroy me, they will not succeed.

I will win this battle.

 

 

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Betrayal: Is There A Bright Side?

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Rae Z

My husband of over 25 years betrayed me.  That is the incredibly hurtful fact I’ve come to accept.  For over a year, he lied, he schemed and creeped behind my back.  His replies to why he would do this to me are far from having any validity.  It still angers me that any man or woman would think an affair is worth all of the sadness, pain, and loss that it eventually brings.

In an attempt to prove his sincere regret, my husband recently took me to his affair partner’s work.  He pleaded with me to please stay in the car.  He went into her place of work, and asked her to come out for just a moment.  Surprisingly, she agreed. They walked up to the car and he stood there with his hand on the car door to make sure I did not open it.  He then told her that he wanted to say in front of me and her that their affair was wrong and has deeply hurt me and his family.  He’s sorry it ever happened.  He wanted her to know that he loved me and his children and he was sorry for what he did.  He told her he wanted to say in front of me that there will never be any communication between them ever again.

Okay.  So that was a big move on his part to show his sincere regret.  She could hardly look up, afraid she would catch my eye and just stood there shaking her head in agreement as he spoke.  She said she was sorry too and that she’s moved on. You’d think I would feel vindicated.  And I did, some.  But I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this girl. She looked truly pathetic. It made me very angry at my husband. Here she was, going through this embarrassment, probably for the first time hearing the truth from my husband.  I wanted to slap him in his face. What a fuckin asshole to bring this type of shame upon us all.  I know he was the one who persuaded her into the affair.  I know the affair was his idea.  After all, he was the one who took the vows.  He was the married one.

You would think that after 9 months and my husband’s continued attempts to show his regret, I would feel more forgiving.  You’d think that I would finally accept his apology and his love.  But my heart isn’t there yet.  And that’s okay. My heart is still broken and bleeding. And for now, that’s okay too. What do I want, he asks.  He’ll do whatever to prove his love for me. I can’t get what I want because the damage is done. Unfortunately, nothing but time and continued work can make or break us.  I wish I could see my husband like I used to.  I wish I could see him as honorable, credible, loyal.  Even with every apology I get, I am still unsure if forgiveness will ever come and doubts about our marriage continue to haunt me.  Getting over an affair is definitely not easy. Its extremely difficult to have to accept that the one man you trusted and loved betrayed you.  My husband destroyed my trust in him along with the unconditional love I had for him.

So what’s the bright side? On the bright side, my husbands actions since my discovery of his affair have definitely made it easier for me to move on with life although I will never trust him like I used to.  To start with, I’m not being lied to anymore. Now, I have a freedom I never had before this affair.   I’ve learned to pay more attention to what my future may look like, (with or without him) and more importantly, plan for it.  I’ve learned to pay more attention to my health, physically and emotionally.  I take weekend trips and ask for help when I need it.  After years of neglect, I ‘ve learned to take care and for now, enjoy the things that make me happy, without guilt.  I acknowledge that my pain has no time limits.  I don’t hold back anymore when I feel sad and hurt. Big girls do cry.

Finally, I’m proud of myself for taking the necessary steps to make myself feel happy and secure.  I’m proud of how I’ve handled myself throughout this devasting experience.  After all, this wasn’t my affair.  My trust, my honor and my loyalty are still in tact.

 

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Betrayed Spouse’s of the World – We Can Hit Em Up Style!

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Rae Z

Hit Em Up Style!  This is what the Wife can do that the Other Woman Cannot!

 

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FUCK YOU!

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Rae Z

Today is one of those really bad days. 

I’m fucking disgusted at my husband and all of his betrayal.  I can’t stand the look of him.  I don’t even want him to touch me.

All I can think about is what a fucking liar he’s been.  What a cheat.  How did I end up in a relationship with a man like this? I wish the bitch he was fucking would take him and stick him up her fuckin ass.  They deserve each other.

Today, I can’t wait for the summer to be able to get away.  What he did to me is inexcusable.  Its disgusting.  And right now, I can’t stand him.

All I have to say is FUCK YOU ! You cheating asshole!

I hope your fuckin’ dick rots!

 

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Conversation Between a Betrayed Spouse and a Past “Other Woman”.

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Rae Z

Below is a comment I received from a visitor to my site.  She is a former “Other Woman” and was nice enough to share with me.  I am posting her comment and my reply.  I think this is really good stuff as it gives two sides to one story. 

To Rae Z from Susan:

RaeZ – I am so sorry for your pain.  I have read your posts and if you will allow me to comment, I am the “other woman,” the “affair partner,” the whore, slut, trouble maker that you talk about.  I am also a mother, divorced (after almost 20 years of marriage, not becuase of my affair, however), employed/unemployed, daughter, sister, neighbor, friend.  Your perspective was one that I could not comprehend, wrap my head around after my D-Day.  The one thing that really troubled me was the venom a betrayed spouse has for the affair partner.  You have no idea what the spouse actually tells the other woman/man.  We hear things, whether they are true or not, that would allow a caring, sensitive, feeling, empathetic, understanding, decent human being to be swayed.  The lies or truths that a cheating spouse tells are oftentimes very compelling.  AOW does a great job of letting the world know what a sick, evil, cruel, narcissitic man her “married man” was and is.  But the lies – well, I’m sure you could imagine.  Things like:  My marriage is dead; we haven’t had sex in years/months/etc; we’re just together for the kids but I don’t love her/him;  it is too expensive to get divorced;  YOU are my soulmate;  if only we had met 5/10/15 years ago . . . to the worst one of all:  I love you.  In my humble opinion, the person who should get all of your venom is your spouse.  He/She is the one that made the promises; he/she is the one that lied over and over and over for days/weeks/months/years.  And yet, while I understand you wanting to give your marriage a second chance after finding out about his affair, I don’t know how that it is really possible – especially after all you’ve seen, heard and know and how unapologetic and contrite your husband seems to me.  He should be kissing your feet, kissing the ground you walk on, telling you that you are an amazing, beautiful, strong, talented woman, a wonderful mother, an extraordinary partner and that he thanks the stars everyday that he wakes up that you are by his side.  He would have accomplished nothing but for you and your love and support and your unfailing loyalty.  You deserve a partner who will cherish you.  Is he telling you those things? My xMM and I would have conversations all the time about what was going on in his home, with his kids, his spouse, etc.  He called me first.  He came to me first.  He would tell me that I was more of a wife to him than his legal one.  But no, we weren’t co-signers on a mortgage, car leases; no I wasn’t doing his laundry, food shopping or cooking.  But I wanted to.  After d-day, there was a lot of talk about the “fog of the affair” and that it wasn’t real life, but fantasy.  My xMM and his w went to marriage counseling, individual counseling for him and he even wrote a letter (not quite your contract) but a sort of “promise” letter.  I could never uderstad why, if he wanted to leave his marriage that he would do that.  Worse, I could never understand why his W would want to.  And yes, they had 2 kids, a fairly long marriage, and she hadn’t worked for most of it.  I could go on and on (feel free to read my blog, it chronicles it all).  And 4 months after d-day, they agreed to separate, 5 months after d-day they agreed to divorce (and his wife posted bikini shots of herself on match.com) and 6 months after d-day, my MM publically became my boyfriend.  We have known each other since 2006 and been together since 2007, and publically since spring 2010. Why?  That’s the question.  I divorced my ex-h who, on paper, was great, because your spouse is the only chosen life relationship you ever have (not your kids, parents, siblings) and i wasn’t happy  (there were bigger reasons, too) and I was showing my children that in that chosen relationship, it was OK to be unhappy.  Do you think that your kids really don’t know that you’re not happy?  Are you moving towards happiness?  Do you think you can find it with him?  Do you want to?  How much shopping can you do?  (And I understand the idea of retail therapy very well.)  Just asking. I appreciate your writing this perspective so openly, honestly and without sugar coating.  And on behalf of so many of the OW out there, I’m sorry and hope you find peace.

Susan

Dear Susan,

I want to thank you for posting your recent comment.  Although we are obviously on opposite sides of the fence, I still do appreciate your insight.  I hope that you will take the same attitude towards my reply.  I’d like to reply to some of your comments specifically:

Your comment: “The one thing that troubled me is the venom a betrayed spouse has for the affair partner”

Why does this trouble you, Susan?  Do you expect that a betrayed spouse will have compassion or understanding for the affair partner?  Can you cast the first stone at someone who is angry at the affair partner for knowingly and deliberately taking part in a married man’s unfaithfulness to his wife and family?   It seems to me that you are having trouble because you can only see my experience AS an affair partner. You read my posts AS the “other woman”.  Not as the woman who’s been betrayed. It is scary to think about, but no one is immune to infidelity.  Not even you Susan.  Only then, I guess, will this not trouble you anymore.

If you re-read my journal, you will find that it is filled with anger towards my husband and HE has been the target of my venom.  It is overflowing with the pain I feel from HIS betrayal.  Do I wish Karma would come bite the other woman in her ass?  Sure.  But for now, I’ll leave it up to life to take care of that and I’m pretty sure life will.

Your comment: “And yet, while I understand you wanting to give your marriage a second chance after finding out about his affair, I don’t know how that is really possible.”

I’ll be honest with you that I don’t know if it is possible either.  This is all new to me. The only thing I do know is that I have made the choice to give my husband another chance for the sake of our children who I could NEVER betray.  I know that my children WILL suffer if we divorce.  You are completely kidding yourself if you think you haven’t hurt your kids when you divorced your husband.  Sure, like my husband, you can make it out to be about YOUR happiness.  You can say all you want that the kids don’t want mommy to be unhappy.  You can sugar coat it but the truth is the kids want mommy to be happy WITH their father.  Not someone else’s father. Happiness is not always what you think it is.  And it rarely ever comes from selfishness.  I am not just a betrayed wife.  I am a dedicated, loving mother, first.  I have responsibilities that go beyond my own pain and suffering, and I am grateful to have realized that.

Yes, my husband can be a total ass sometimes (his infidelity has totally proven that) however, when given the opportunity to go and be with the other woman happily ever after, he refused.  He wants to be in this marriage. He wants to be with his family.  No, he doesn’t shower me with Disney land romantic sayings, but he has kept his promises and so far, has bent over backwards to live up to his guarantees.  Our marriage has gone from unconditional to conditional but if that makes it work and together we can provide our children with a safe and stable family, that’s what we’ll do. Somehow, and surprisingly, I’ve actually found happiness for my sacrifice. I feel better, I look better and I feel empowerment like never before.   Best of all, somehow, that’s made my kids and my husband happier too.

I wish you and your family a lot of luck Susan. May you find peace within yourself too. I hope you find your “happiness”, especially, because others have had to pay such a heavy price for it. Please do not judge the ex-wife too harshly.  You have assisted in bringing her and her children(as well as your own) a lot of pain.  You aided your now “boyfriend” in hurting those he made promises to and loved him.  I hope that for your sake, he does not repay you in the same way.

Sincerely,

Rae

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Betrayal Therapy 101

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Rae Z

Last week was a BAD WEEK!  A very bad week.  Every single morning I woke up with a headache.  So not a good way to get up.  There was a rise, but absolutely no shine.  And I was pissed!  More than normal.  Yes, you guessed it… at my cheating husband.  Just about everything about him pissed me off.

So we had arguments.  Initiated mostly by me.

I told him I was going away to a local resort for the weekend and that’s when his claws came out.

In an attempt to get back at me, Mr. Cheater trys all kinds of tricks.  He accuses me of not being nice to my kids.  A total lie but if he had said that I wasn’t very nice to him, it would have been the truth.  He suggested I take Anti-Depression pills.  He contorted a comment made by my neurologists who said: “If I were any other doctor, I would just prescribe anti-depressents and send you home.” What he meant was that he is NOT like other doctors and doesn’t think I should take any pills, period.  But my husband tried to turn it around and took it totally out of context.  Another trick he has deployed to try to destroy my psyche.  He even tried the whole “mommy’s neglecting the kids by wanting to go away” guilt trip. Too bad I let that one work.  I’ll know better next time.

I went the next day.  (Wish I had left the night before) I took care of all of my mommy duties.  Breakfast, drive to practice, go watch a game, etc. etc. and then took off that afternoon.  I stayed at a beautiful resort on the water, that had the most amazing Spa. I had such an amazing massage.  I have to admit it almost felt sexual since I have not been touched in that way for a long time.  I could have gone there but I didn’t.  I just enjoyed.

So, I pampered myself and even did some retail therapy.  The best part was that I met and got to speak with some very interesting people.  Nobody there knew me from Adam.  So I was able to be open with them and I received such amazing understanding and advice.  It really is sad and mind boggling to know there are so many people betrayed by their spouses.

It felt so freakin good.  So good to free my mind even if its just for a little while and take care of myself.   That was my therapy.  My drug of choice. Expensive but worth it.  Much, much better than taking pills, that’s for sure!

I guess I can thank my husband and his secretary for all of it.  I know I would have never done that before my husband’s affair.  I highly recommend it.  It will help you to clear your mind and your soul.

 

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